I Think I'm Ready...

...Yet as I started typing I got major butterflies in my stomach. I wonder why that is? Hmmm...

Anyway, I know I need to write about some of this stuff because, well, I just need to okay? :) And you unfortunate souls who decided to check my blog thinking you'll find more pictures of the most-cute-dog-on-the-planet Chewy will find me on an extremely random soap box/vent.

First of all, eating organic. I know it's better for both of us and I know that it'll help infertility but HOLY CRAP it is so expensive. My grocery shopping bill has jumped up considerably. $3.47 for a half gallon of milk??? All because I want to be healthy and know that the cows are fed non-messed with grain and not given steroids. I guess piece of mind costs and arm and a leg. Why can't everyone produce organic?? Wouldn't that drive the price down??? Ok, stepping down...

Scott and I have been going back and forth with the decision to try another IUI. We are aware that the opposite of faith is fear. But let's face it, we were scared ****less to try it again. We started looking into adoption as an option (hey - that rhymes!) and decided to go to the LDS Family Services orientation meeting. The meeting was an eye opener to the extent of the costs involved in adoption. There's quite a bit more involved that 10% of your annual income. So naturally my accountant husband was seeing dollar signs and beginning to squirm in his seat. Then there was a slide displayed of basic questions one should ask themselves before starting the adoption process. One of them was (something to this effect) Have you gotten over having biological children? Scott and I looked at each other and went "Nope." Which we knew already, we were just looking into adding to our family that we hope to have. But that question really hit home for Scott and he said he just wasn't ready to go there yet. I was happy for his honesty! Yet I still walked out of the building crying my eyes out because I felt really confused and hurt and frustrated. One of the case workers said that infertility treatments should come with free therapy sessions and I agree.

Since the miscarriage in February my periods have been from hell. Seriously. The nurse at the Dr's office told me it was normal so I didn't worry about it. Apparently that's only normal for the first month after a miscarriage, not 9 months after!! I was getting sick of being dizzy and falling over and almost passing out from loss of blood every month. So I went to the Dr. and he put me back on birth control for a couple of months to straighten me out. "Well" I thought, "that makes our decision of doing another IUI easy! Won't be doing that in the next few months!" Then, as chance would have it, I was already pregnant. Go figure huh? I thought the painful boobs and being hungry and not having a period was the birth control. And then I started to bleed again. By the time we found out I was pregnant I was already miscarrying again. As my brother-in-law Ryan would say, "Suck a duck and pluck me twice." So in some ways this one was a bit easier because we didn't have time to get excited over it. But (sorry, this is graphic) it sort of all came out in one big chunk of placenta so I knew what it was and had to flush the toilet....can you say TRAUMATIC?????? And as an insult to injury, I miscarried again the week that our first baby was due. No words to describe that one.

As I sat crying in the Dr's office 2 weeks later he kept trying to get it through my head that at least we'd conceived on our own this time. And yeah - I get that. Sort of. But I'm still in shock over the whole thing. I guess that's why it's taken me over a month to get a grip and accept it.

So here we are back to square one. Or - period one? Sorry. Stupid joke. In the meantime I've taken up the stretching and yoga P90X videos (which are the greatest things ever) and I started to run again. Boy did THAT feel good in a painful sort of way. I realized I'd missed jogging. However I still do it only at night because I have two overly large coconuts that not only hurt, but jiggle something fierce! Ahem... anyway... Coupled with breathing and relaxing, eating organic and acupressure, hopefully I can carry a baby to term someday!! Wish me luck!