Hopefully not a bitter diatribe

Just some random thoughts and feelings; hopefully it doesn't turn out to be a bitter diatribe.

So this issue with my wrist has become more of an ordeal than I thought/planned. I had to cut my hours way back at work, which is good and bad at the same time. Good because, well, I'm lazy and totally proud of it :) But bad because my checks are going straight to two different savings accounts, one of which was for a trip to Disneyland for Christmas. Not sure that that is going to happen now. Not to mention it is VERY difficult to cut hair with the cast on.
The first day I had my cast thing on and only worked a couple of hours, I was kind of excited when I got home thinking: "Sweet! I can just work on my hobbies and be useless!" I flopped on the couch and pulled out my cross stitch then realized, oh wait. Can't cross stitch. Oh well, I have my friend Stefs' unfinished afghan to work on. Oh wait. Can't crochet. So then I thought, ok. Nice excuse to sit and play Star Wars Legos. Oh wait, can't hold or use the remote. ARRRG! Didn't really feel like reading, so I cleaned for a while until it started to hurt and then I realized I probably shouldn't be cleaning. So there was just one thing left to do.... "Lord of the Rings" marathon!!!!! :) I'm fairly certain I've watched poor Boromir die 100 times; not to mention I have most of his lines memorized....Nerd.

When I went to the Doctor for my wrist they wanted to do some x-rays. The doctor asked, "any chance you could be pregnant?" I had to laugh. "Um, no, I'm not" And thinking thanks for the reminder. Then a nurse walked me into the x-ray room and asked the same question. Trying not to get angry because, you know, how is she supposed to know my situation? Then the x-ray tech came in and asked "any chance you could be pregnant?" Me: "Nope. Not a chance in hell."

Which brings me to my next rant: My doctor decided to have me try 3 months of a newer fertility drug. It basically does the same thing as clomid but without the emotional side effects. I haven't noticed anything horrible these past two months; my stomach turns over on occassion but nothing like the-devil-clomid. After that, my Doc tells me they have to get more "aggressive" and go to a fertility specialist. The next step in the process is usually IVF (In-vitro). But from what I've read about it, it is not sounding too fun. One has to take all these hormones to help your body do in 3 days what it does in 3 weeks naturally. I'll have Scott lock me up in a padded cell.

Today in Relief Society we had a lesson on adversity. I needed it. I really don't want to get bitter and have been successful thus far. I know that 18 months is nothing compared to some couples, but sorry. That still doesn't make me feel better. I suppose I'm extremely self-centered. It's difficult to deal with an unanswered prayer that seems like a righteous desire. I know that if/when it does happen, we'll look back and say, "Oh yeah. This or that was the reason we needed to wait. But again, that doesn't fill the hole. The baby thing isn't constantly on my mind; I make sure of that. But every now and then I get subtle or not-so-subtle reminders of it and then I get sad.

Probably the hardest thing to deal with right now is the PCOS. According to the barrage of tests, the endometriosis isn't even an issue right now. Endo usually clogs things and gets in the way. I'm totally clear. It's the PCOS that is keeping me from it. I mean, seriously. This stupid thing has taken my thick hair away from me, my clear skin, and my figure, and has the potential to keep me from having biological children. It's a right nasty piece of work!!!

Anyway, all really is well. After purging my mind of thoughts and feelings (which I think is essential) I have to stop and count my many blessings. I also had a wonderful blessing from my dear father-in-law that filled me with renewed hope.

Back to LOTR now....